I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
