yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
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