The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
