I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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