he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
