I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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