Only a mothe r could love this liver
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
