farters have to be the big spoon...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
