Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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