dude i'm inner monologue high
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
