I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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