No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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