I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Randomize
