sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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