So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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