please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
