Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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