I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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