did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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