y did u give ur computer a hand job?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
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