saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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