i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
