we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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