I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
