Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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