She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
