You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
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