take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
