for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
