you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
we're so committed to being not committed
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
