Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My vagina is very pro this idea
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
