Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
