but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
