And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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