Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
