wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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