I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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