You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
