I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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