life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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