Old men and throwing up are my life now.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She even gives head with a lisp.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
