I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
