I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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