True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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