I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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