Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
