I showed him my bush... on skype.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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