I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
