Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
