He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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