Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
