Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
