Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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